Somewhere in my DNA I picked up an anomaly, high gag reflex. I am capable of fixating on something gross until I start gagging and dry heaving. Traveling in the Cobra RV for our first camping trip is a perfect example.
Imagine driving 55mph with Neil Diamond playing on the 8 track and suddenly the RV lurches due to a bump in the road. Most people would think nothing of it, but not my third grade mind. I fixated on the fact that our family pool of feces and urine that was magically contained in a mystery vat somewhere under the RV was now sloshing around together creating a liquid nightmare. Gagging immediately ensued until I heard, "We're here, kiddos!"
The sign read: Shady Pines KOA
Sounded kind of quaint and well, rather shady. Dad pulled the RV to a stop in front of a trailer which was the campground office. While he ran inside to check us in our mother stood at a floor length mirror brushing her hair.
"One must always look fashionable," she stated to herself.
Us kids, on the other hand, started creating up names for KOA.
Kind Of Assinine
King Of Ass
Kind Of Annoying
Kick Off Ass
Keg Of Amusement
Our mother immediately turned her beauty accessory into a weapon designed to smack some code of conduct into us. As she pointed her yellow brush at us she stated, "Listen. Your father worked hard to put this weekend together and I will not have you ruin it! Do I make myself clear?"
"Kind Of Angel," my sister Jennifer stated with a smirk.
Our dad resumed his spot as 'captain of this ship' and drove us to our lucky campsite 27. Great so there are 26 other families bonding. Once the RV came to a complete stop our dad immediately jumped into action.
"Sue, find me the instructions," he ordered. "You know the instructions how to hook us up to empty the bathroom."
Gag, gag, gag.
While our parents worked on that us kids stood at the door of the RV in a collective stupor. What were we supposed to do?
"Kids, run off and explore," our mother demanded.
A year prior we would have launched off that RV before it even stopped like a pack of wild heathens, but that was before money had coddled us into mere images of what we once were.
"Ah, shit," our dad said quite ironically as he tried to remove our waste. That quickly made me the first one off the RV.
Us kids clearly felt safer exploring Shady Pines KOA together. We passed a rusty old swing set and slide. The word tetanus quickly ran through my mind. Right beyond the playground we saw a small brick building and a pool with a chain link fence enclosing it. That perked our dismal group up!
We walked through the archway of the building. I had never seen so many people crammed in a single pool. It looked like all 26 campsites were in that rectangular pool of chlorinated pee. We soon realized all eyes were on us in our snazzy new camping outfits. We looked like we were dressed to see a broadway show, not camping.
(To be cont'd)
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
After we got settled in our new mansion by the bay some more peculiar things started occurring. Everyday we would go home from school and each of us would have a new outfit on our bed. You know you are getting spoiled when third graders start realizing you never wear the same outfit twice or you start to wonder why you don't get new weekend outfits too?
On another day we walked home from the bus stop and there was a brand new MG convertible sitting on our driveway. I immediately wondered if my long lost dad, Michael Langdon, was paying us a visit to make sure we were treating his old home right. Or quite possibly he was there to take me home to Hollywood?
How wrong I was!!
"Kids, do I have a surprise for you??!!!" Our dad said it with such enthusiasm it made me back up a few steps.
Our mom magically appeared looking like a robotic homemaker from the 1950's. She wiped her hands on her apron that was plastered with the slogan, Florida Wives Bake it Better. The huge smile was equally as scary as our dads. None of this was adding up. We lived in a very small home 20 feet from a set of railroad tracks in West Virginia to all of this in a matter of a month.
We followed our parents outside. My dad ran to the back of the shiny white MG convertible. My mom quickly shuffled to the front in her loud ass Dr. Scholl's heels. She ran her hands along the car in Vanna White fashion as she said, "Ta-da!!"
"Here's our new car," dad added in.
My brother was the first one that spoke up.
"Does this mean we have to get rid of the new Cadillac?" He asked.
"I don't understand how we will all fit in it," I said as I nodded at my siblings.
"That's just it kids; we now have two cars!" Mom exclaimed. "Can you believe it?!"
"To be honest, no," our sister, Allison, stated.
My dad appeared flustered at that comment as he tried to squeeze us all in the new car for a spin. The car was fun! I have many good memories of us taking both cars to the beach. At stoplights we would toss a tennis ball from one car to the other. Life was good for the 'New Face of Apple'. I still wondered what that meant, but feared asking it would make the new life go away.
Two weeks after the new car we came home to a strange vehicle on the driveway. It looked so space-agey for the 70's that I was sure this HAD to be my long lost dad. Wrong, dad bought us a new Cobra RV.
Their exact words, "this will be a great bonding experience for us to go camping!"
Possibly for children that were not becoming spoiled brats. We lived in a shack that was pretty much like camping every single day. The last thing we wanted to do was to actually leave our pool and fancy house to go sleep in that in the woods.
It was clear our parents could feel our enthusiasm waning, "Great news! We're going camping this weekend!"
(To be cont'd with our first camping excursion)
On another day we walked home from the bus stop and there was a brand new MG convertible sitting on our driveway. I immediately wondered if my long lost dad, Michael Langdon, was paying us a visit to make sure we were treating his old home right. Or quite possibly he was there to take me home to Hollywood?
How wrong I was!!
"Kids, do I have a surprise for you??!!!" Our dad said it with such enthusiasm it made me back up a few steps.
Our mom magically appeared looking like a robotic homemaker from the 1950's. She wiped her hands on her apron that was plastered with the slogan, Florida Wives Bake it Better. The huge smile was equally as scary as our dads. None of this was adding up. We lived in a very small home 20 feet from a set of railroad tracks in West Virginia to all of this in a matter of a month.
We followed our parents outside. My dad ran to the back of the shiny white MG convertible. My mom quickly shuffled to the front in her loud ass Dr. Scholl's heels. She ran her hands along the car in Vanna White fashion as she said, "Ta-da!!"
"Here's our new car," dad added in.
My brother was the first one that spoke up.
"Does this mean we have to get rid of the new Cadillac?" He asked.
"I don't understand how we will all fit in it," I said as I nodded at my siblings.
"That's just it kids; we now have two cars!" Mom exclaimed. "Can you believe it?!"
"To be honest, no," our sister, Allison, stated.
My dad appeared flustered at that comment as he tried to squeeze us all in the new car for a spin. The car was fun! I have many good memories of us taking both cars to the beach. At stoplights we would toss a tennis ball from one car to the other. Life was good for the 'New Face of Apple'. I still wondered what that meant, but feared asking it would make the new life go away.
Two weeks after the new car we came home to a strange vehicle on the driveway. It looked so space-agey for the 70's that I was sure this HAD to be my long lost dad. Wrong, dad bought us a new Cobra RV.
Their exact words, "this will be a great bonding experience for us to go camping!"
Possibly for children that were not becoming spoiled brats. We lived in a shack that was pretty much like camping every single day. The last thing we wanted to do was to actually leave our pool and fancy house to go sleep in that in the woods.
It was clear our parents could feel our enthusiasm waning, "Great news! We're going camping this weekend!"
(To be cont'd with our first camping excursion)
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